A Sister in distress on account of her husband’s inordinate sexual demands, writes:
“I've been having some problems with regard to the conjugal aspect of marriage. It's been getting worse and so I decided to seek some advice. I have a low desire whereas my husband's is much higher. The very first time was a very painful experience and I feel that it's what messed things up. For days afterwards I suffered a bad urinary tract infection, and that has been a recurring occurrence till now, almost 6 years later. I get an infection almost every month or so. According to a doctor, some women are just more prone to these infections and there's nothing I can do to completely prevent it.
Nevertheless, I went along with what my husband wanted - relations everyday, every second day. Most of the time I wasn't in the mood for it but I didn't object, even if it was more than once a day. This was until I gave birth to our first child. I needed to be stitched up afterwards and that took some time to heal.
Throughout the 40 days after baby was born my husband kept asking if my nifaas had ended. It only ended at 40 days and even then I still bled for another 2-3 weeks. As soon as the 40 days had ended my husband wanted to have relations. I was hesitant as I felt that my body had not yet fully healed from giving birth. But I gave in and it was extremely painful and I just had to bear it. For the next few months I did avoid him as much as possible. It took about a year for my body to stop experiencing pain where I had gotten stitches.
After the second baby, it was a similar experience except that he waited until I had completely stopped bleeding. Again it took a year to stop experiencing pain. It's been almost 8 months now since the birth of our third baby and things are no different. I still experience a lot of pain during and afterwards for a couple of days. But I try my best to see to his needs once a week. I simply cannot manage more than that.
Sometimes we're not at home which means that we sleep together with the children and in my understanding it's not correct to have relations with even sleeping children around especially where they can easily see if they happen to wake up. But my husband doesn't seem to understand that and says I'm just making excuses.
Yes, it is very difficult to put myself there knowing that I'm not going to get anything out of it except pain but I try, even though I'm never in the mood due to being exhausted after seeing to the house and kids all day without him helping me and fearing the pain. And he knows but doesn't care about it as long as I meet his demands he is fine. If I refuse he flies into a terrible rage.
Even when I injured my hip joint giving birth to my second baby, my husband did not give me a break to heal. Through my 3rd pregnancy the hip was troubling and I felt awful, but all he kept talking about was his rights and that I am duti-bound to fulfil his rights. Does a wife not have any rights in these circumstances when she is sick, tired or in pain, etc.? I am in desperate need of advice and help? If Moulana can give some advice on what can I do, it will be much appreciated.” (End of the Sister’s letter)
This is not the first letter of its kind received by us. It is not the second nor the tenth letter. We have received innumerable similar letters seeking advice regarding the inordinate demands of the husbands for sexual gratification regardless of the ill-health of their wives. Husbands invariably justify their callous demands by brandishing the whip of Huqooq or Rights which the Shariah has granted them, and also by the emphasis on the wife’s subservience stated by Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) in many Ahaadith.
While the Rights of the husband are in place and correct, and while the wife’s subservience to her husband is correct and necessary, callousness, cruelty and injustice are never within the scope of the husband’s Huqooq. The idea of having an unfettered right to even torture the wife is a satanic deception. Rights do not give rise to barbarism and animalism.
The husband’s attitude as depicted in the letter is crass barbarism befitting only donkeys and pigs. It is haraam for the husband to injure his wife on the pretext of him having such a right – the hallucinated right of excessive indulgence in sexual gratification regardless of the condition and health of his wife.
In the type of circumstances experienced by wives as explained in this letter, the solution is a second wife. The husband should take a second wife, and his first wife should support him since she is unable to satisfy his inordinate cravings.
Furthermore, husbands should understand that the consequences of excessive indulgence in sex are harmful. It brings about physical and spiritual ruin. In later life, husbands of the type described in the letter will suffer serious health problems, and long before the physical harms become manifest, they will become spiritually depleted. Moderation in all spheres of worldly life is an imperative command of the Shariah.
16 Safar 1443 – 24 September 2021